Raggin' Piano Boogie

 

 
HIS SPIRIT LIVES ON! ... BONER, THE PIANO DOG ... November 27, 1994 ... February 20, 2010

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May 31, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

The heat is here full on and will be for the next four months. When the thermometers at the airport say a hundred degrees that means between a hundred five and a hundred ten where I am. That few degrees makes a difference. I've decided if its time for me to kick the bucket I know exactly how I want to do it. I'll take the Traveling Piano out when it reaches a hundred twenty and play music until I drop, lol. Although it might be too hot to touch the piano keys and all the electrical equipment might fry before that. I used to cover the truck with silver insulation when not in use once it hit a hundred but I just do not have the where with all or strength anymore and so the tarp is falling apart, the paint has been peeling off for years and then again, the speaker and piano well, I try not to think about everything as much as possible. Acceptance as I get older actually becomes easier. Although, I must constantly practice life with it.




May 29, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

What I have been doing, the creating inventory with Traveling Piano photos to help keep going financially has not been a small project. Nothing has ever been a small project in my life. I do everything in a big way at least in the opinion of most people that I come across. It has been a providential experience, a huge distraction concerning Mo's death where I go out everyday just around the corner to a crystal shop and spend time around other people for hours yet do not have to interact with anyone. I am not spending my days alone and would be in a deep depression if that was the case. I miss having Mo with me. What a fantastic companion he was for sixteen years really over thirty when I take into account that is was Bo come back for a second round here on earth. The photos are a project that does not look like I will ever finish. Once I have everything ready then I need to frame it all... once again and then find places to show them and then sell them.

May 29, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

Serendipitously, I've had a space to finally put together all the Miniature Traveling Piano Photo's for to sell. My friend Joselyn who owns a crystal shop around the corner has a room in the back of her store that is not being used so I can spread everything out on two long tables. We were friends, then we were not fiends and now we are friends again. I've been there just about every day since Mo died working on making the data base more efficient, hand numbering photos and all the backings, taping the photos to the frames and then the backings to the frames, putting contact stickers on each photo, signing them and then putting each finished product into a plastic case cover while keeping everything in order. I had purchased all the materials back around 2019. Since then I've been moving it all around to different storage spots while starting the project and then stopping and then having to start all over each time for various reasons. Finally, I am making headway while trying not to think about any possible need to stop again before I am finished.




May 28, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

What is going on physically with me is just really challenging. I'm not used to it, have never had to deal with anything like this that I can remember. My knees, hips and skeletal frame has been full of pain and about eighty percent none functional for over a month and a half. It began about a week before Mo passed while trying to carry him up and down stairs. Maybe it is related maybe not. I cannot walk enough to get exercise, squat, the bending of my knees and strength to stand on my legs is really bad. The pain and ache is constant and that issue while trying to stay upbeat with my life while doing the Traveling Piano's work... wow, so difficult. And the doctors, the Primary, Ex-rays, MRI's, Physical Therapy, Specialists, Blood Tests, everyday I remind myself that seeing doctors and getting sucked into the health system is not going to be a life style for me. I will break from it all at some point in the near future if I see no positive results.

May 27, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

I have a new neighbor. The room next to me, the outside door is attached to mine and we live in small efficiency style rooms... I've been petrified about who may move in because I have been traumatized from past really, really, really bad neighbors in many, many ways. The apartment managers have left the room empty for me, almost a year but there is now a new manager who fill it. An older women moved in and she seems quiet, decent, has friends that helped her move in that seems ok but you never know what living with a person is until they get comfortable and that takes at least a month. The thing here is... she as a one year old pup, the sweetest pit bull a bit larger than Mo was, same body frame, same color, some of the same markings and same friendly demeanor. When she leaves, the dog cries in the way Mo use to cry (the few times he did in his life) so tender and sad and sweet and... it is absolutely heart wrenching. I want to get the new neighbor's dog into my room and have it jump on my bed to just be with me which of course is not possible.

May 26, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

When I wake up with my coffee I can either begin my day with the worlds suffering and disease right now while settling directly into, anger, hate, fear or... I can go right into working with Traveling Piano photos with gratitude and the idea of musical fun, friendship and respect with empowerment and inspiration. Its a practice. Some days are better than others. And I post to Facebook to stay connected sometimes at the expense of this blog. Remembering that this blog is more important, I want that to be the priority. So, if I post there then I need to post here also.

May 25, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

A good friend has run into a very difficult time with life circumstances and last night my mind was heavy with care about them. And then I thought... this is how so many people were with me throughout Mo's passing. I know who you are and... thank you! Its not been two months and the adjustment will take time, I know. After he died my physical system has taken a hit so to speak. My ability to walk has not been good. That exercise is needed daily to clear my head and have some sanity and well as to stay well, physical. Good thing Mo is not around because he needed his walks even more than me.

May 24, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

Four years ago today, 19 fourth-graders and two teachers went to school and never came home. They were slaughtered by gunfire at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, Texas. How can people just forget about this and other tragedies where children in schools are slaughtered like in Sandy Hook, especially those rabid anti-abortionists? The Traveling Piano attended these horrors and several others to lend support and was able to do so for one reason alone.



It was as an individual with pure intent to validate and reassure the worth of human life exemplified through not having any fees, accepting no tips and working with no commercial affiliation. When people criticize me when in need of support for myself, these are people who do not understand the concept of unconditional love and how that works. Yes, I am super poor. The trade off is so worth it! Acknowledge at every opportunity these families and individuals affected by gun slaughter and help them to get rid of the vile evil that supports gun ownership.

May 23, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

I told myself I would go on living after Mo passed, for people. When I am engaged with people I am fine. The question as age begins t take me down is how to stay engaged and as much as possible. Staying engaged with my art with making push pin ornaments or drawing does not seem to help much. Binge watching in a tv or with movies helps but that is not so practical. My ability to walk is less and less as is getting up and down off the Traveling Piano truck is becoming super limited. Creating music has always been a physical endeavor so that also has been taking a hit. When my friend Gertrude was stuck in a nursing home and wheelchair I used to think how she was serving a spiritual purpose for those that worked there. Now, I am realizing that was a justification for myself to feel better. She did not feel that way anymore than I would because when it comes to living for people... in a wheel chair, in a nursing home fuck no. And... it will never be something I would remotely want to get used to. I'm just rambling with thoughts here. The only real choice with all of this is to choose living in the present moment.

May 22, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

Being almost seventy one years of age, I am old now and longevity is not in my cards, I've lived a strong hard life as it is. Presently, my life has been filled with excruciating physical pain all week. While walking down the street last night I had to stop in the middle of walking. I could not take a step. Its been coming on for a while. Mo passed at the right time because I could not be helping him now as he needed. I remember his last week, I lost the ability to carry him up and down the stairs to go to the bathroom. An ex-ray today showed what is going on. I had an idea of what the problem would be from ex-ray's I had many years ago. I have severe arthritis in my spine and both hips and may need to live with that pain for the rest of my days. Its pretty bad. My first thought was... I can no longer get into the truck from the side as I have for the last forty years. It has been part of my shtick to climb up over the side and into the truck bed. As the ability has become more and more difficult, I never imagined it becoming no longer possible. Well... such is life. I will adjust. Being in a wheel chair... no, I will not adjust to that for sure. I'll just push myself hard enough working to make sure it all ends that way, pushing forward in life... with the ability to walk. When all is said and done and thought out, etc... of course, my higher power is in control. I know that as I ask for my thoughts to be directed through the God of my understanding.

May 21, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

I am a super fan of Steven Colbert. His Late Show is being taken off the air after tonight. This is the largest example to date of our losing freedom of speech and expression in American society. Stephen Colbert set the bar from the start of trump's maggot era in taking a stand for truth in America. He was the leader, the first man to show courage in late night entertainment to speak out against trump being elected. Not once has Colbert been deterred from speaking out for what is right. Colbert put everything important for his career on the line to show what strength of character looks like. Stephen Colbert is the representation of an American Patriot. He is an American Hero.

I will miss his band of musicians. They have been the best band ever to hold residency for a late show. Stephen Colbert has shown humanity how to work through the worst in life with a bit of humor in order to cope. The words respect, dignity and friendship come to mind as I have witnessed Colbert interact personally with his guests. The loss of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert creates a significant "huge" void for my life well... onward we go.

The Ellison's CBS, Paramount Global, Skydance, the Redstone family, all of that, they all can all go fuck themselves. I'll not be supporting any of their shit and will look forward to their failures. Never forget the lies they put out concerning the cancellation of this show and their self-profiting agendas at the expense of American democratic freedom of expression and speech.

Thank You Stephen Colbert, thank you for your strength, courage of conviction and you're genius in showmanship through satire and humor for the good of all.

May 20, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

I took the truck out to Main Street into the spot where I'll be spending a lot of time. It is outside the crystal shop where I'll be showing my miniature art photos. Seven pm seems to be the magic hour as the sun is not directly on me and there is still about an hour of day light left. If there is a breeze I can take the heat. No breeze, no work. I want to keep joy in my life. It does not look like hiking is in the future but I can still go to scenic areas to enjoy and just sit. I'll always enjoy interacting with people and with Mo gone, if I did not have a way to interact with others that feels worthwhile for me as I do with the Traveling Piano my God... I don't know what I would do. I've been feeling a strong urge to do something different but I don't know what. I mentioned nature, going to a show or event, not much drive to do that or go out to eat with someone. If I had the money I would do all that but... no money in my wallet for fun spending. That has not existed for many years. My ability to just walk is really slowing up and that has been most of my fun over the years, doing that with Mo, everywhere and in every environment. Some new friends would be good, not an easy feat to achieve for me.

May 19, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

People can be so mindless. They repeat things other people say just because it sounds good. When Mo passed there were some really wonderful comments and I appreciated and needed them totally. And then there were the unsolicited suggestions like, get another dog. You'll get another dog. Another dog will come into your life. Another dog will find you. You'll want another dog in time. The last thing I want in life right now is another dog. Even if I did, it would not be possible in anyway. I am not missing having a dog. I miss Mo. I miss our relationship... period. Of course the grief will transform through time. That fact is meaningless in the present moment. Functional responses for grief: I hear you. I understand. You had an amazing relationship. You did great with Mo. My thoughts are with you. He had a great life with you. I remember my experience... I also loved Mo. Thank you for sharing your lives with the world, with me, etc... Here is a photo of Mo totally content and resting.

May 18, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

I'm always testing myself now and what I can do or not do physically. I should always check the temperature first before I go out with the Traveling Piano. Today was to be the lowest temperature for the week something like 82 degrees so I went out. It turned out to be 92 degrees and thats too hot. A light breeze helps. I met some really fine people and we interacted with talk about music, and generalized with chit chat and politics. Thank God maga like people are usually not drawn to Musical, Fun, Friendship and Respect and they usually shy away from strangers. I have zero tolerance for fascism and that is what maga people support. The manager at the crystal shop where I hang out came to play on the truck. I realized he carries a gun which is so lame and against everything I am about. It is a threat, it shows mistrust, weakness and stupidity in my eyes.



It destroys those who have been affected by gun violence with memories unworthy of being human. How many times have people with a gun saved people. That facts are clear on that, in comparison to those shot and killed, very, very few. There have been over 3,000 people killed by a gun in just the first few months of this year God knows how many people have been shot which often that can be worse than death, physiologically. I saw it as he was getting into the truck and became stuck in a dilemma in the moment, as the Traveling Piano is a gun free zone. But, the relationship is important for now, any caveat would not be good. I did mentioned the issue and just will not allow him on the truck again if he is wearing a gun. It is not something I look for to see if people are wearing.

May 17, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

When I can I am still doing homeless outreach. It is nothing like in past years but I still do what I can. With six large loaves of white bread, jelly and peanut butter and tin foil to wrap it all up, I made sandwiches and purchased two cases of water to take out to the streets. There was a wind storm all day. Here in Vegas wind storms are unbelievably strong and constant. So my being out and about was perfect because no one had anything to eat all day. They could leave there shelters or belongings because it would all get blown away by the wind. This always makes me feel good to be helpful and I really enjoy seeing those who I know and how appreciative everyone is. I just need to block out the physical limitations I am experiencing. Life's obstacles, the limitations, drive and passion... it all needs to be constantly reframed in my mind in order to keep going. I am determined to live life to the fullest no matter what that looks like. A 16oz jar (2 cups) of half way decent jelly is about $10, peanut butter is also $10. I could go for the crap what where is the nutrition in that? Bread is a real rip off. You can get a loaf for $2. The bread is full of air and the slices are so small it takes two sandwiches to equal one. For those living on the streets a few bites of food is not enough. A decent loaf costs more like $4 or $5. The sandwiches all need to be chilled before I take them out or they just falls into mush. The tinfoil is also useful to repurpose for those living on the streets. I've taken to freezing bottles of water to take out because once delivered in the heat they become cold water. They are also used as a body coolers.

May 16, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

Today was sort of a lost day. It happens. Missing Mo, terribly. I made spaghetti meat sauce with my special ingredient, sugar. Two more of the Community Traveling Pianos put on the streets last June, I need to deal with as they no longer work. I'd like to transform them into planters or have fun with a few people and take them apart. A few of the pianos have had to be moved several times because homeless people are sleeping with them and that leads to trash and then to business owners that get fed up with the trash. Those homeless respect the pianos and feel worth from being near them especially if they are musical people. They also use the pianos to socialize around, play with together with other instruments they find and a few morons wrongly play with them by exploring the insides which ends up in breaking them in some way. Also, the insides serve as a special storage area for people. Not for drugs as their drugs are too special to take a chance leaving around, lol. There were originally a total of seven pianos placed. I found them without cost online by asking people to donate them, found places for them and then found people to help me move them into place.

May 15, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

Going out to create and share music these days must have more consideration concerning when, how much, where, why, etc... actually it all needs to be more calculated. With my health and the heat... is the wind blowing? That helps. No direct sun anymore. When and where people can discover the music and piano, not too many at once. How far am I willing to drive the truck without too much fear of it breaking down? How much can I push myself mentally and physically without needing days to recover. Oh, how I miss Mo with me. I drove to Main street and found a spot in front of the Honey Pot and that was perfect. Eight at night while people are still eating inside the restaurants and before people come out to go clubbing. Time spent creating music, sharing it with people and simply talking. Still need to force myself to drink water through the entire process. It is always interesting how for the first half hour people pretty much ignore me or so it seems but once interactions start they just keep going.




May 14, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

I can fall into the depths of despair when I think about Mo and how he enjoyed life until the very last moment. I grieve his loss of life for him, not me. For me, I grieve the comfort and love he gave and how he was so clearly present to serve me in life. He did not want to die and that can tear me apart if I dwell on it. I miss his desire to live and have fun and enjoy and have our companionship together. We had a one hundred percent loving and symbiotic relationship together in spirit. People aggravate me when they say he is better off. No, he is not. He would be better off alive. That is from his perspective. Dogs do not want to die. That is a human construct. Mo wanted to live from his first moment alive and until his very last moment. He showed that clearly in the steak he ate and water he drank in his last moments and the smiles he gave me and joy of my feeling his body as well as his soul in those last moments.



He was enjoying life in-spite of his physical system completely shutting down, his lack of energy, his confusion, water going right through him, the steak was surly just sitting inside of him with no where to go. He wanted nothing more than to look in my eyes. Only a couple times in his life did I see pain from him. It came through a yelp. I never saw depression in him. I did see dissatisfaction with himself and only a couple times in his entire life. It is not possible to replace the relationship I had with Mo. When I think I have let him go, all I need to do is dwell on his love for me and in less than a minute I am falling into the depths of grief. There is no way I would ever had driven to Alaska with the Traveling Piano without Mo, or could have dealt with all the communities suffering tragedies were we visited to give support. So much more... God, please direct my thoughts.

May 13, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

My friend Jocelyn, we had a falling out a few years ago. Slowly, we have found our way back into the friendship. She owns a large crystal shop around the corner from where I live and I was going to present the Traveling Piano Photo Art Gallery in the store to generate some income. That never happened. But now it is looking like it might. She does a live sale on Instagram three days a week from the store and gave me a portion of her time to sell them for me. Not only did she give me one hundred percent of the sales, she is taking care of the packaging and shipping. I had wanted $20 per photo and that is what I have been getting when I had different galleries around town. My energy level is too low these days to do very much. She said she could sell them for $10 a piece, $20 would be too much. I had to come to terms with the fact that I want the photos out into the world and into peoples lives as top priority. And also, people are now doing everything online.



I do not have the where with all or desire to spend my life selling photos online. Using the Traveling Piano interactions to sell photos has never felt right for me. There is a lot of product I've been storing and it needs to be moved. In three nights online for about twenty minutes each Jocelyn sold 45 photos. Along with their actually beauty she did a sell about my being her friend and the community outreach I do without fees, tips or commercial affiliation. It feels really good to be a professional nature photographer and to have people want to own my art. The money came and went. I paid for my storage unit, purchased frames to show the art, some household needs and water, peanut butter, jelly, bread and tinfoil for wrapping to take to those living on the streets. Life without Mo feels totally hollow when I am not interacting with people but at the same time I cannot always be interacting nor do I want to be.

May 12, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

I'm going to continue posting photos I have with Mo in them and also Bo from time to time as it relates to my journey. They both have been part of the journeys soul. When I first began I said to Bo, I would never do this without you so as long as you are with me, lets do it. Part of me says those parts of my life are over don't look back. Another part says... they are my life ever present. I have always been a visual person and photos help keep my memories alive which are very important for me. Of course the memories will fade but never totally as long as I work to keep them alive. I've been keeping past memories of love alive for my entire life.

May 11, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

Wanting to continue on with life and without Mo, not easy. But, when walking down the street in the middle of the night, I came across a homeless guy who plays guitar on the street. He is a pretty crusty guy who looks a little scary, but friendly. I sat down at one of the Community Traveling Piano's I had put out onto the streets to play and I am not sure how it came to be but he also happened by and set up with his guitar and sound system. We created music together. This is a very rare happening for me to create music with someone else. I have had life long issues with that. I thought what does it matter right now, the guy has no expectations with me, said he was willing to adjust to what I was doing and I felt the impulse to extend myself to him. We were like two crazy musical bed bugs running around nonsensically for about ten minutes. He said it was a blessing for him. I realized that we were both just jabbering away doing our own thing while listening to each others jabbering. Another person stopped by and said that is how jazz began. It was very fulfilling and a reminder of how I want to continue giving music to others for the sake of relationship especially for those in need and for those who want what I have to give. And also, music does not need to make sense. Music is most effective when it is about feeling.

May 10, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

Someone suggested I write a book and use the AI program Claude to help get content in book format as everyone is talking about it and beginning to use it. My reply:

I often think about a book and publishing, etc... It is a lot of work and I do not have the funds to keep doing what I do and also write a book at the moment. Just the time it takes for blog posts, everyday slips as I get older. Also, I am Anti-AI through and through. Claude is a tool that is through, fast, interesting (at this stage of the game) and even fun but it also gentrifies the human minds nature and cannot replicate my individual creativity and nuance in spirit as an artist. I have even had responses to Mo’s death written by AI sent to me. Although they are beautiful, they are also like well written in detail, greeting/sympathy cards. I knew they were AI because they were so similar in personality and squeaky clean perfect. Different words from different people, but the sentiment was not real. I could feel that. And, I will never allow AI to dictate my feelings. Personally, I will always enjoy the ultimate, artist friction and imperfections in manifestation within the ground work of the human minds growth verses machine.



AI is stealing our minds, body and souls in every way. At the same time it is beginning to control humanity for the sake of a few and for profit, nothing more. All the good you hear is propaganda for marketing. Even the name Claude is an attempt to humanize an inhuman machine. Of course there is good in everything but we are not dealing with choice in good or bad or anything in-between when it comes to artificial intelligence. AI is removing choice from the human mind with the illusion of better than. Faster and faster with immediate gratification has been making life unheathy for all of us. Now, even spiritualists are beginning to embrace AI. While I still have personal emotion and strength, I choose the organic, the earthly real world in every way. That will always hold my total love and I will dance with the devil only when spirit leads the way. Although the natural way may take four times longer, maybe I will invent a new book format through that process!

May 09, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

Last June I began finding pianos online without cost and people to help me move them onto the streets of the Downtown Las Vegas Arts District and Fremont Street Area. Seven acoustic piano's were placed in areas with consideration to sun wind, rain, dirt, trouble makers and just disrespectful people out to destroy anything they can get their hands on and also, city ordinances and ways for business to take control of them. The biggest trouble makers have come from those drunk after spending time in clubs and those who have been taking care of them most are the homeless. They have been available to everyone twenty four hours a day. The drugs addicts have really appreciated them and have cared for them as much as they can care for themselves. So... their using them to socialize and sleep around and trash has necessitated my moving several of the piano's several times. One was moved for the thrid time to Container Park on Fremont Street a few days ago and it still plays! Almost a year and four pianos are still surviving. One is now being used as a planter and two were stolen, luckily the worst two.

May 08, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

Mo and I made the absolute best of our partnership. We had it all. We did it all. There was not one moment where he was not present, where my mind was so consumed he was not there. There was never a moment where I did not have time or want to deal with him. We were apart for one week only in sixteen years. If it was not possible for him to be by my side when doing something, I did not do it. Mo almost always went into stores with me but when it was only for a few minutes I never had to be concerned that he would jump out the window. One of my most favorite times with Mo was to experience his joy in my return to the truck, every time. It was beyond joy a sort of wonder and amazement was included. Mo was my life dream, everything I ever wanted, I've wanted nothing else in life but to have the perfect relationship I had with him. He was without question the continuation of Bo. Now, my goal is to live in grateful appreciation and joy for all of that and move through the rest of my life fueled by the love we created together.


May 7, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

The one month anniversary of Mo's death is tomorrow and it weighs heavy on my soul. I've never been one to remember the day anyone has died in my life not even Boner. But, for some reason, I have a feeling I will never forget Mo's date. Maybe it is because his birthday means so much to me. I hope I can eventually let go of him completely and just live in the gratitude and joy of our life together. Going for a hike in nature without him might be the most difficult thing to do out of everything. It does not feel possible right now. I may save the first time for hiking to bury his ashes in the desert. I have had the spot in my minds eye since I first arrived in Las Vegas. It is in the Valley of Fire. It will be like going through his death for a second time. Just me and Mo. I let go of his body and when it is time to let go of his ashes it will symbolize my letting go of holding onto Mo in spirit. He will become a free spirit once again still in my life just not physically.


May 6, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

I understand how people can take only so much of me or only in small chucks of time. My intensity and deep passionate nature has always been through the roof. That has never been a problem with Boner or Mo. Both dogs helped me with my uncontrollable desire to express my love and appreciation for not only them but for life. Whenever I was with Mo, just the two of us and I was fawning over him to the point that he could not take it always... he would turn the intense energy I was throwing his way into play. I loved and appreciated that about both Mo and Bo. They set the boundaries and limits of what they could take and knew how to adjust and direct my overbearing joy in being with them. Mo turned everything into play whenever possible. Whenever I got into my head and my energy became very dark Mo was right there to save my ass.


May 5, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

As long as Mo was giving and receiving love, as long as he still ate, drank water, peed and shit, as long as my rubbing behind his ears and scratching his butt was an enjoyment and felt good for him and he was able to respond, as long as he was able to experience a moment in a positive way... to put him down because he was also in pain would have been a selfish move for me to do. I know that joy and love can be experienced and felt through pain. It was a decision I worked through for a twenty four hour period. It became first about my ability to help keep his body functioning. Then it came to a point where my lack of ability was about to make the situation worse for him. And, his pain killers were no longer working at night. Another night would have been unfair for him and I knew we were at the point of no return. He would not have lasted a few more days.



As I held him in my arms at the last moment I had brought some pieces of steak and water for him to the hospital. He surprising gobbled down the steak like he was starving. I knew he was starving because he could not hold anything down and ate very little for the previous few days. But he could not eat before. I thought, was I starving him? And then he drank all of the water, a significant amount. I thought, "is he trying to please me so he won't be put down?" These are torturous thoughts. And then there is also the memory of my best friend Michael as he was dying. He wanted to enjoy every second of life no matter what and ate a cheesteak painfully slow to watch right before he died. Mo could have very easily have acted in the same mindset. Knowing my life experiences with others and my dog, that was a viable possibility. The bottom line is that he enjoyed eating and drinking water fully before he passed and I felt really good about that. I was able to give him the best that life can offer up until the very last moment. I'm going to go cry now.

May 4, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

People in my neighborhood are acutely aware when they see me of Mo's significance, that he is no longer here. They have never seen me alone without him and there is most certainly no pep in my walk. The condolences people have been sending really help. It is amazing how via email people relay their memories and experiences with Mo and I in details, whereas on social media the comments are much shorter and less personal as is the nature of the animal. When grief hits me, to call anyone on the phone does not help. I mean what is anyone going to say? And, I really have nothing to say and no longer do I feel a need to be with anyone. In fact when I become inundated with grieve I turn to Mo in my mind and enter our privacy together. Just the two of us going through feelings together I mean thats what we did. Our intimacy with feelings could will never be matched in any way and so it is appropriate when I have feelings about Mo now, to just be with him alone in spirit both of us together with our feelings. I feel better when I can do that. I can keep the memory of how good it felt in every way to be just hanging out together with no one else around and no matter how I feel,


May 3, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

I've been sending personal emails out about Mo. My own email account keeps marking my personal emails as spam and will not send them through. So, I have begun to use Gmail, ugh. When people respond in Gmail, AI is trying to keep the conversation going (it watches everything we do online now) and... it is now trying to formalize personal correspondence by suggesting the words and intent of a personal conversation. It is giving suggestions for how to communicate and what words to use. AI wants to make our relating to each other like sterile greeting cards. People, please do not use AI for your thinking, your thoughts, feeling, comprehension and actions. There is nothing in the world happening now worse than AI taking over our minds because of those allowing that to happen. Those playing around with it for fun in anyway are fools who are getting sucked into it. God, I am so lost without Mo. I still go through the actions of working and living life but there is about as much in it all as there would be if I was living life through AI. The word that comes to mind is hollow.


May 2, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

I could fairly easily block out that Mo ever existed in my mind. Of course then my grief would come out sideways through time. So, I actively pursue reality with gratitude of course when I can. I remind myself that my life has been completely fulfilled through the relationship I had with Mo. No one can actually know that personal feeling. People can know how others have incredibly close bonds with the animals in their lives. They can witness all aspects of the relating but in actuality only Mo and I know what we had together. Sometimes I call to him out loud or talk to him, tell him how much I miss him out loud. I search my spiritual world to find him hoping for a sign or feeling that he is still here with me in spirit. Of course I know all the blah, blah about that, And I also know its a matter of faith and belief not reality in the real world. Everything I do for the first time without him and that is really everything because I never did anything without him, it feels awlful.


May 1, 2026

Las Vegas, Nevada

Age absolutely plays into my learning to live without Mo as death is not far away from me either. That fact does not help inspire me to reach into the future with a new life. Writing sometimes helps. Here is some of that.

I have thoughts. They manifest through my mind. Sometimes it feels like I am not in control of them. At times it seems that both good and evil forces and everything in-between take control. I believe thoughts come from a collective human consciousness. I also can manifest my own individual thoughts. I have the ability to choose to participate actively or not in all thoughts collective or individual.

A higher power manifests all thought be it collective or individual. I believe that I live in a friendly universe with a loving God. Through gratitude for that, I can sometimes give all thought to the God of my understanding. As in "just give it all up to God." Nothing ever bad has happened when I can do that and in fact I can reach a state of utopia in doing that. There is unconditional love and total trust in doing that. Everything that is going bad and ready to take a turn for the worst, turns out better than I could ever have possibly have imagined when... I can let go of all my thoughts to give over to my higher power. This is the fact of my life.



When I feel out of control, if I can remember to remember, I run with trust to unconditional love and ask the higher power to direct my own thoughts and our thoughts as in a collective consciousness. It is a practice that always ebbs and flows in my life.

When it comes to grieving thoughts in my mind, I practice to allow the pain and sorrow while wanting to move through to a better place. Sometimes that happens only through the grace of God. Sometimes it happens without my realizing it. I sometimes can feel my being carried through when I cannot carry myself. I felt it through Mo's dying process. And several times over the last few weeks. As I believe that God speaks through other people, I also believe that spirit guides exist and God speaks through them, for my sake. Thank God for my guardian angle(s).

When I can remember to desire gratitude, appreciation, security, joy and love, I can then deal with grieving and ask the God of my understanding to direct all thoughts through me. Grieving is a natural part of human existence. It is important and beyond my understanding, a fact of reality. To not grieve is to negate reality. I am here on earth to live in reality.